RETURNING TO AUTHENTICITY: Exploring the Dance of Masculinity and Femininity in Modern Dating

Recently, I found myself engaged in a complex conversation with a friend about the connection between masculinity and femininity. As a woman who is predominantly assertive in her life and frequently exercises her masculine qualities, it necessitates a great deal of introspection and self-awareness to allow my feminine to surface and let it bloom in its gentle, flowing magic. At times, this becomes even more prominent, especially when it comes to my dating life and the manner in which I present myself in relationships.

The other day I had the chance to meet up with a man I’m currently seeing to grab a quick coffee before my long work commute. It was a brief and spontaneous encounter, but within that short time, three significant things happened. As we exited the café, I naturally reached for the door, but he swiftly stepped forward and chivalrously held it open. As we walked together in the direction of my car, he gently but firmly placed his hand around my waist, guiding me to the inside of the side- walk. But then came the most unpredictable moment of all. He casually asked me to hand over my coffee, leaving me slightly puzzled. Curious and intrigued, I playfully questioned his motive, but he insisted once more, extending his open hand towards me. Trusting his intentions, I gave him my coffee and he directed my attention towards my purse, kindly urging me to close its zipper.

I’ve never come across a man who displayed such attentiveness. Not only did he notice that my purse was unzipped, but he also showed care for my belongings in an understated way. No amount of wealth or charm can ever compensate for the lack of attention a man shows towards a woman. These seemingly small acts meant the world to me. In those fleeting moments, his eye for detail and genuine desire to protect me were unmistakable. They served as a powerful reminder of the impact a strong yet compassionate masculine presence can have on me. Although his actions took me by surprise, they awakened dormant aspects of my femininity, which had been neglected for quite some time.

I was overwhelmed with a deep sense of security, assurance that I was being looked after, and an immense gratitude for having this man beside me. As a resilient single woman who has grown accustomed to doing everything on my own, I had nearly forgotten the joy of feeling feminine and cared for. The concept of basic chivalry had become so foreign to me that I was almost at a loss for how to even respond to his gestures. But, in a matter of minutes, I was able to let my guard down and access my softer, more submissive side. This marked a major shift in energy for me. However, standing before me was a born leader and protector, and my gut instinct had complete faith in him.

As of late, my fascination with and exploration of my femininity have been growing steadily, and it’s a realm I often find myself probing into.

It is undeniable that the embodiment of a woman’s authentic feminine power is closely tied to feeling cherished, protected, and placing absolute trust in her partner’s ability to lead the relationship.

This enables the organic interplay of masculine and feminine energies to beautifully flourish alongside one another. However, it begs the question: what do these energies really mean and how do we harness them to deepen our intimate connections?

Examining Traditional Stereotypes

In our everyday lives, be it the media we consume, our family dynamics, or the communities we call home, we encounter a multitude of stereotypes and mistaken beliefs that mold our understanding of masculinity and femininity. These ideas encompass anticipated behaviors, mindsets, and physical attributes associated with men and women, serving as informal gender templates of how we should exist in the world.

The conditioning we receive makes us associate masculinity with dominance, assertiveness, and toughness, suggesting a need for control and encouraging invulnerability. At a young age, boys are often groomed to show physical strength and grit. They are told to avoid traits that are considered feminine, such as talking about their feelings or being too sensitive, implying a misconception that equates vulnerability to weakness. Yet, this has only resulted in low-value men with a great deal of unprocessed pain and emotional limitations. Consequently, women will often-times find themselves in relationships with adult men who are still behaving like immature boys.

In contrast, traditional femininity prioritizes tenderness, nurturing, and submission, with a strong focus on physical beauty and appearance. Unfortunately, these qualities have been unfairly linked to fragility or a passive demeanor. There’s an expectation for women to always be compassionate, in tune with their emotions, and cooperative, imposing on them an emotional strain that they are required to carry. Ironically, society then turns around and criticizes these very traits, labeling women as too much or too emotional, giving them an inferior gender status. Furthermore, society often tells young girls that their worth solely relies on their physical attractiveness, youth, and sex appeal. But these misguided notions have only led to delusional women who have extensive and unrealistic checklists for men, burdening them with the responsibility to provide without offering anything substantial in return, apart from a thick ass and superficially altered looks.

The truth is the actual essence of masculinity and femininity goes far beyond the outdated constraints set by traditional stereotypes. Their complexity and evolution are continually expanding.

Sadly, however, these ingrained stereotypes are seeping into our intimate connections and breeding a dating culture of dysfunction and inauthenticity.

Consider, for instance, the concept of vulnerability. Embracing vulnerability in relationships means relinquishing our comfort, shedding our egos, and bravely submerging ourselves into genuine intimacy—a basic human desire that we all long for. Vulnerability is a catalyst for empathy, personal growth, and a means of discovering true fulfillment. When we bare our souls to another kind and loving person, we foster the highest level of connection and trust. By choosing to be vulnerable with another individual, we’re essentially saying, “Here I am. This is the real me. Do you accept me for everything that I am?”

So, why does society view vulnerability as a symbol of weakness in men? How did numerous men become so desensitized and emotionally distant, unable to communicate and be genuine in expressing themselves? Meanwhile, good women are left behind, ghosted, disrespected, and unfairly exploited. Vulnerability is not a weakness. In actuality, it’s quite the opposite. It’s a testament to one’s courage and strength, which are both traits that are classed as masculine. When a person embraces vulnerability, they are consciously deciding to expose their emotions, knowing this leaves them susceptible to hurt. Vulnerability can be one of the most powerful facets of our personalities and our relationships.

Following the conversation with my friend, I’ve been reflecting on my own traits, especially concerning my balance between masculinity and femininity. I am strong-willed, self-reliant, and daringly bold. These are admirable characteristics and I am proud of them. Though, when it comes to dating, I often hear men question how they can contribute to my life given my strong sense of independence. At times, I find myself tempted to adjust my behavior and conform to traditional feminine expectations in hopes of attracting men who have a healthy connection to their masculinity. But why should I? Perhaps my accomplishments and independence are somehow intimidating or make men feel inadequate, but a solid masculine man would never feel that way. It’s disheartening, however, that I should feel pressure to change some of my best qualities, simply because they’re perceived as masculine and possibly less appealing to potential partners.

We are so much more than the labels society gives us and it is crucial that we challenge these harmful beliefs to create a world that welcomes and honors the fluidity of our versatile identities.

Exploring New Ideals of Masculinity and Femininity

The concepts of femininity and masculinity extend beyond gender or certain characteristics. Instead, think of them as flowing energies that exist within us all, shaping our individual journeys through life. Although we tend to express and rely more on one primary energy, every one of us embodies both of them at varying levels. Therefore, it is vital for us to be mindful of how societal stereotypes and pressures are influencing our relationship, interactions, and personal connection with them.

There’s no need for society to dictate a relentless tough-guy attitude for men or confine women to only be soft and delicate. There is nothing wrong with men who choose to display warmth, embrace sentiment, or reveal vulnerability. In the same way, women are equally allowed to show their tenacity for the hustle, put forward analytical standpoints, and maintain a strong sense of self without being labeled rude or bossy. These characteristics, often wrongly labeled as masculine or feminine, are actually unique, individual qualities that each person owns, and they vary greatly, regardless of gender.

To me, real femininity revolves around the ability to create a loving and supportive environment for a man to truly be his authentic self, flourish as an individual, and thrive within our partnership.

It is about utilizing the creativity my mother passed down to me to inspire and motivate him to reach his full potential. It is to be attentive and listen, identifying his self-sabotaging behaviors and weaknesses, so that I can redirect and nurture him when he feels distant from his goals. Men often get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, constantly striving to provide. They seldom take the time to slow down and reflect on their flaws. I know that I possess a detail-oriented mindset and rare intuition that enables me to offer a man value and perspectives they might not see on their own. Being in my feminine is about understanding the ways in which a man craves to be cherished and provided emotional sustenance. It involves taking the initiative to deepen the connection we share and further our intimacy in every aspect.

Femininity also transcends through simple acts of kindness and nurturing. Sometimes, femininity radiates so brightly that it surpasses masculinity in strength, without relying on grand gestures. Often, it doesn’t even require words, but rather the ability to make your partner feel seen and loved in transient moments—a gentle head rub to calm their mind, organizing their essentials for a business trip, or ordering their favorite coffee. These gestures freely show your nurturing nature and your presence in understanding his habits and anticipating his needs. It’s attentiveness, peacefulness, knowing when to assert yourself and when to step back. Femininity is having confidence in your power as a woman and complete trust in a man’s ability to lead you in the right direction.

That being said, I want to acknowledge that every woman’s journey is uniquely influenced by personal experiences and challenges, shaping her outlooks, emotions, and the depth of her femininity. It’s possible that she may build barriers around her capacity for love and rely heavily on her masculine qualities as a survival mechanism. This mainly stems from the lessons learned from an unfit father figure or men who have disappointed her, instilling in her self-reliance and forcing her to become her own protector and guide in life. Inevitably, this limits a woman’s ability to wholeheartedly and confidently engage in a relationship. Nevertheless, it is up to her to mend and reconnect with her divine feminine energy so that she can present herself in alignment with who she truly is.

I openly admit that it’s incredibly challenging for me to rely on a man to take charge or handle important life matters when I have been successfully leading myself. But one of the biggest lessons I have discovered while healing parts of my own wounded feminine spirit is that men will naturally step up if we, as women, give them the space to do so.

I have come to understand—and continue to learn— that I do not always need to be in control.

I can soften and lead in a feminine way, drawing upon my sensitivity, wisdom, and emotional intelligence to move us on a path illuminated by love. In my eyes, masculinity lies in qualities like integrity, accountability, and leadership. It is devoid of arrogance or possessiveness. When a man is in his genuine masculine energy, he is not pretentious, but authentic. He moves through the world with unflinching confidence, one that is rooted in his belief in himself and his abilities. He has matured enough to display emotional intelligence and awareness. His protectiveness flows from his desire to adoringly care for a woman rather than to control her. His actions are based on his internal belief systems rather than the need for acceptance or validation from others. His approach to life is grounded in self-assurance, yet he values his partner’s dreams and interests as indispensable aspects of his life. Therefore, he adopts a collaborative approach, supporting her to achieve her highest potential. He understands that love isn’t solely about providing, but that it also involves learning, adapting, and growing together.

In a relationship, maintaining a constant equilibrium between masculine and feminine energies is absolutely essential for a harmonious partnership to thrive. And within this delicate equilibrium lies the graceful reciprocation of love, a potent form of energy that conquers all. The problem is that the current dating culture has become an utter mess, causing us to lose touch with our personal values and compromising our emotional well-being in the process.

Reclaiming Our Authentic Power

We are living in a technology-driven world where the dating scene has taken a sharp turn, leaving many of us feeling lost and disillusioned. The once favored values of commitment, emotional connection, and genuine intimacy have been replaced with temporary flings, excessive superficiality, and an obsession with being “outside.”

The mental health of our generation is literally deteriorating as we prioritize appearance over substance, glamorizing the notion of being “for the streets” and falling into unfulfilling, shallow interactions.

We have foolishly embraced the illusion of options, jumping from one person to another, perpetually searching of something better without fully investing in any particular relationship. And in our desperate attempt to make sense of this chaotic dating scene, we have collectively labeled everyone as “toxic.”

But let’s face the harsh reality: we have let social media’s distorted perception of healthy relationships manipulate us to the point where we have completely lost touch with our authentic selves, fueling our insecurities and severing our connection with our inherent masculine and feminine energies. Our generation has abandoned fundamental acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. Simple gestures like bringing your partner flowers, opening doors for women, making a phone call, words of affirmation, or preparing a homemade lunch for a man because you know he has a demanding day ahead, are often disregarded. Men have forgotten the art of proper courtship and would rather be chased than take the lead, while women have grown hardened and detached from their own femininity, adopting a cynical view on love. Even when they are sincerely pursued, women struggle to receive and reciprocate genuine love due to the immense trauma they have endured.

Additionally, it has become a common trend for individuals to engage in relationships with a faulty sense of entitlement, selfishly anticipating immediate effort and consistency without any willingness to reciprocate. Women, driven by their own hidden motives, demand unrealistic expectations from men, firmly convinced that their attractiveness and social clout entitle them to such treatment. Meanwhile, men mistakenly hold the belief that they are automatically entitled to a woman’s affection and undivided attention without exerting any real effort. This vicious cycle creates a harmful pattern, resulting in tiresome “situationships” centered solely on sex, as both parties fail to show any valuable qualities or contributions. But this misplaced sense of superiority only perpetuates the cycle of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Ultimately, what matters most is the fact that our generation has lost sight of who we truly are and what we desire. We have carelessly ignored our connection to our natural masculine and feminine energies, the most important relationship of all. Yet, amidst this messiness, there is an opportunity for personal growth and self-exploration. We must strip away superficial layers and understand ourselves on a deeper level.

We must rediscover our core values as individuals and reclaim our autonomy from external influences and ingrained behaviors.

The key is not to go along with the expectations and trends of others, but rather, to find someone who appreciates and accepts us for who we really are.

Connecting to my femininity has been an ongoing process, as I continuously strive to relearn myself and become a better woman. I am not afraid to say that I am a work in progress, but the more I open myself up to new experiences, I gain a deeper understanding of who I am and how to fully embrace my femininity. I am discovering the types of men who effortlessly bring out my feminine energy, those who make me feel safe, seen, and heard. These are the men who allow me to express my authentic self without hesitation. And I encourage you all to do the same, regardless of your gender. Ask yourself what masculinity and femininity really mean to you. Dedicate time to nurture your physical and mental well-being. Know your worth. Be so attuned to yourself that you have a crystal-clear vision of the individuals you wish to attract into your life and how to align your energy to receive them. This is how we revive balance and genuine intimacy.

Femininity and masculinity are powerful energies that shape our everyday existence. They define how we navigate life and project ourselves onto the world. But the true power of these energies manifest when we embrace them in a mindful manner, adjust them at the opportune times, and leverage their magic to show up for those we care for in the ways they need most. We are all continuously evolving beings, endlessly reshaping our narratives and identities. The journey to understanding ourselves can be a tricky one, but it is also incredibly enlightening. And it is up to us to keep exploring.

Until next time.

ARTIST JOYCE LEE @joyceartworks joyceartworks.com

BUY ISSUE 22